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[17 May 2009|07:06pm] |
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i wonder a lot if life will always be this confusing...
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[18 Apr 2009|10:11am] |
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3 more weeks. just 3 more weeks until i get to go home... i can do it! i hope it flies by...
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| Ranting. |
[11 Apr 2009|11:11am] |
when you are a music major here at JMU, you have 12 hour days monday-friday and concerts and performances and recitals and rehearsals on the weekends. your dorm room is just a place to go sleep at night- and that is not exaggeration. i think that should be a warning that everyone should receive BEFORE deciding to be a music major and BEFORE deciding to come to JMU. i've been here almost a whole year now, and i still can't get used to how much work it involves--especially when you have room mates and suite mates who party and sleep 24/7 and you hardly ever see them studying. and, i'm a hard worker in general, so this is really saying a lot.
i can't WAIT to go home in 4 weeks. it's not even the fact that i miss home and kiefer and friends and stuff, i just can't wait to be done with school! the past 4 weeks have been so freaking hard and the next 4 are just going to be worse. school is so busy and stressful now i could punch someone in the face! not really. at least now i know i'm never doing opera scenes again- takes up sooooo much time, time that i don't have in the first place, and everyday i dread going to rehearsal. kind of like how sherris recitals used to be... i'm trying to lose a little weight right now, but it's soooo hard when your at school. there are not a lot of healthy options... i eat a lot of sandwiches and spinach salads. but my body definitely is a lot more toned than it used to be because i make sure to go to the gym everyday, even if it means waking up at 6 am and going before an 8am- which totally sucks. idk i'm like 137 and i would just love to be 130, especially since i want to hit the beach a lot this summer. whatever, i'm not going to stress about it. i just can't wait to get all this school shit DONE and over with, keep my 3.9, and get the frick home. i have about 50 papers to write still, which is stressing me out way more than the idea of finals... teachers are SO freaking critical about your writing in college i can't believe it... i used to feel like i was a good writer. but after going into a lot of office hours and learning what they want i've managed to get a's on most of my papers so i guess i should stop complaining. and i never thought i would say this, but i can't WAIT to be done with singing! i'm so sick of singing! haha and i've lost my voice twice in the past 2 months because i just sing so much it gets exhausted. but my voice has gotten like 50 times better since i've gotten here so thats good, and my voice teacher thinks i should go to grad school for performance... i don't know what i want, but i've been thinking a lot about how i want to go into the peace corps lately.
that was long and i complained way too much haha.
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| confused |
[12 Jan 2009|02:44pm] |
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well, i haven't cried as much as i did yesterday or as hard since we put my dog to sleep last year. I don't want to be back at school. I've never been so homesick. I know that once I get back into the swing of things here at school, it wont be so bad because i'll be so busy and i wont have time to miss home, but right now, i just want to go home. i guess it's just so hard because i had such a great break, and i was home for so long that it felt like i had never left! and now that i'm back at school it just feels so weird- like this was some summer camp i did for four months and i shouldn't be back, it should be over. i don't know when i will start to feel like my life is here- not back in mukilteo. when i think about how much i miss kiefer, my stomach aches and i feel sick i miss him so much, and i can hardly fight back the tears. i miss my mom so much, and my friends, and just being in my house and driving a car, and everything about home. it's not that i'm unhappy here, because i like it- it's the right place for me to be singing and going to college- and i'm going to do my four years here, it's just hard right now i guess because i don't have a super close group of friends yet and i don't have my boyfriend or my mom, and i get lonely. i'm just so confused and upset, and i just want to stop feeling. i want to be numb and just concentrate on school, then go home again. plus i have horrible jet lag and i'm so, so tired, but i'm so emotional and upset that i can't stop thinking at night, and therefore, i can't sleep.
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[15 Nov 2008|06:44pm] |
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i just want to go home right now so bad. it's getting so close that i'm getting very anxious. i just want to go home. simple as that. 4 more weeks.
i really miss art. i just want to draw or something and i want it to be great. i want to be creative and enjoy it and make something beautiful. but alas, there is no time, because of classes and the work load. i keep hoping over christmas break i will get to do some art, but i know when i'm back home i will just want to be spending every moment with my family and friends and kief.
i work out every day here. well, i take one day off a week. i feel like this is the strongest and the most in shape i have been in a long time, and i've found that my habit of going to the gym has become very addicting and i crave it and look forward to it everyday because it's my chance to be alone and forget about how confused i am in my life. and i like that. however, i haven't lost weight really, i'm basically still the same weight i've been for a while now. and it's because of effing late night snacking. when i'm up late doing homework i don't want to be doing, i can't help but snack, and it's so frustrating. if i could kick any habit, i wish i could just stop eating late at night when i'm not hungry, because i always feel guilty once i crawl into bed.
i haven't found a bunch of people i really like here. i would say i have one really close girlfriend, caroline (who i met because we have the same voice teacher and we were the only two freshman in the opera), and she is amazing and we are going to room together next year. i feel like i don't have anything in common with people here. a lot of people just want to get drunk every night, party, and have sex. and i don't. haha
i think i'm getting really good grades. all As and Bs, which i'm proud of, because i've been working my butt off studying and going into professors office hours and things. and now my brain is just really tired and i want a break so bad. i don't want to think anymore. especially about calculus or music theory, or any of my 8 classes.
i didn't get into the musical, which sucks. but then i found out that not a single freshman got into the musical (city of angels) and that made me feel better. in the audition, the director said she really liked my voice and i was a great singer, but she wants me to take her beginning acting class. whatev.
i'm madly in love with kiefer. i don't care if you think that sounds dumb. i know i'm only 18. but i'm in love with him and we will be together for a long time, i know, because he loves me just as much, and it's a wonderful feeling. what isn't a wonderful feeling is missing him and being across the country in virginia. i don't know if i want to spend 4 years away from him- it's so hard. but then i get mad at myself for even thinking that i would base my decisions about college around a boy. but then i think, it's really not just about a boy, but about my happiness. and he makes me happier than anyone or anything. so why would i stay across the country for 4 years. but then again we've only been together for 5 months, so maybe i'm jumping to conclusions and worrying too soon.
i want to be really happy here and i'm really trying.
i don't write in this enough anymore. that really helped.
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[19 Oct 2008|09:07am] |
i think it's funny that in high school i would always think 'i can't wait to go to college, it's going to be so much better than all this bull shit high school crap, and i'll have things figured out- i'll know who i am.'
hahha yeah right. i'm still just as confused as ever, i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going, i feel lost in life just as much- and wow, go figure- i still don't really feel like i know who i am, or who i want to be. but now add in being homesick, trying to make all new friends, classes are way harder, and there is no one to take care of you anymore.
now, don't get me wrong, there are A LOT of aspects of college that i like waaay better than high school, but i think any freshman would be lying if they said that they aren't struggling a little bit with the transition. it's hard- and the rational side of me knew it was going to be, but the day dreamer side of me (which usually wins haha) thought of it more of this new, mystical place where i would be this new, better person and happier and more satisfied with life. haha and yet, i'm the same old nina and probably always will be- flaws and all, often unsatisfied.
when it comes down to the bottom of all this, sometimes i really love it here, sometimes i'm struggling because i'm lonely or miss home and kiefer, sometimes i feel like i'm exactly where i should be, and sometimes i think what the hell am i doing why am i here? but overall, i'm just really ready to come home for christmas break and see things that are familiar. it's weird, there are so many things i never thought i would miss...
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[02 Aug 2008|07:28pm] |
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things SUCK right now. i've cried soooo much these past two days. i just have to keep reminding myself that i'm making the right decision. that the distance is just too far.
i don't regret getting so attached though. it's been something i've never experienced before, and having someone there who cares about you so much really is an amazing, addicting feeling.
boo.
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| so jealous. |
[13 Jul 2008|04:00pm] |
okay, i'm obsessed with julie andrews. she is my hero. i admire her more than any female singer. seriously i think she is the most talented lady ever. ahhgh i can't even explain how much i worship her. im so jealous!!
you have to watch this video, it will amaze you!!!
ahahhhhhh she's incredible even then.
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| LIFE |
[07 Jul 2008|11:44pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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tyrone wells |
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tomorrow i go in for my first of SIX gum grafting surgeries. i knew my life right now was too good to be true. i'm just so scared!!! wow, it's gunna SUCK. but, besides getting my gums slit open, things are swell. it's weird having a boyfriend because i'm one of those people that never has one... i don't know, it's hard to explain, but it's weird to me. i'm very compatable with kiefer- it's nice. it's just fun and chill- and he doesn't think i'm stressed out like the rest of the world always thinks i am- he understands that i have a very intense, dramatic personality, but we have so much fun! it's REALLY helped me be more comfortable with myself- more accepting of who i am- that i actually am a likeable person. college on the horizon... i'm scared shitless for that, too. man, not to mention i am soooo out of shape. i went running with alyssa today and it was quite sad. i need to start running regularly again. well, it's time i stop avoiding going to bed so tomorrow doesn't come...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABBY AND MALLORY TOMORROW, AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY STORM ON WEDNESDAY!!
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[28 Jun 2008|07:20pm] |
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this is a really great summer. i'm really happy right now.
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| judee sill cover |
[23 Jun 2008|11:01am] |
amazing. FUCKING AMAZING. he's so good. his voice, just ugh, wow, it's so good.
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[08 Jun 2008|06:18pm] |
costello's author paper is killing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
i just need to finish it! my brain is numb. ugh, this is probably going to be like college, times 10. woo hoo.
1-2 more pages. i can do it!!
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| BLAH. |
[27 May 2008|07:51pm] |
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mr. pitiful |
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sasquatch was amazing. once in a life time. but the mars volta IS THE WORST BAND EVER.
i'm super nervous for prom. excited! but nervous.
i'm not taking care of myself lately. i really don't enjoy smoking pot so i don't know why i do it sometimes because all it does is fuck up my voice and then i get really mad at myself. and then i get mad at myself because i let myself feel pressured to do it in certain situations when i know i'm way stronger than that and it's not hard to say no. but sometimes i feel like i'm such a prude and just need to let go. but then i always regret it afterwards.
I NEED SCHOOL TO BE OVER.
i'm going to try being vegan for 30 days with my mom. oprah is doing it so now my mom wants to. she wants to do anything oprah does.
i'm SICK of my mom nagging me ALL THE TIME ever since musical is over.
i have so much stuff i need to do right now but i'm so lazy and thinking about doing all the stuff i'm so behind in sounds like climbing mt. everest. fuck.
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[21 May 2008|06:09pm] |
I GOT NOMINATED FOR BEST ACTRESS AT THE 5TH AVE. AWARDS!! WOOOO!
my life is always 50 times better than i think it is. i'm ready to effing graduate!!!
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| angry shit. |
[14 May 2008|07:54pm] |
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se;klirejgdbf; |
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k, well, a few things...
1. i've felt really weird lately, like i tend to snap at people a lot and i feel really bad after it, but i can't help it.
2. i'm really really really really really upset that guys and dolls is over. i feel depressed whenever i think about it.
3. ryan is pissing me the FUCK OFF. i wish he would slip and fall in dog shit.
4. i'm sick and tired of guys and their bull shit.
4a. i'm sick and tired of girls and their bull shit.
4b. i'm sick and tired of all my bull shit.
5. i'm EXTREMELY scared for college. but excited... but scared.
6. i've lost ALL motivation to do anything, so i naturally end up leaving everything to the last minute.
7. i don't get hardly enough sleep, and it's my fault because i've been spending WAY too much time on the computer. and staying up late for no reason and constantly regret it.
8. i have NO MONEY whatsoever because i haven't gotten to work at all the past few weeks with guys and dolls- and prom is in like two weeks. greeeaaat.
8a. I'm $200 in debt to my mom already for sasquatch.
9. i'm missing fleet foxes at sasquatch because of choir tour. FUCKING GREAT.
10. and 10, to conclude all of this ranting frustration about my bull shit existence at the moment, i'm extremely pesimistic bout everything. if you can't tell.
AND OH YA!! i'm fucking FED UP with the THIEF who keeps stealing everything. and i know who you are!!
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[04 May 2008|09:50pm] |
MARLON BRANDO WAS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. holy shit. i think i've watch this 50 times. he's such a good actor.
COME SEE GUYS AND DOLLS!!!!
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[27 Apr 2008|07:03pm] |
I GOT 1ST PLACE AT STATE!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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[19 Apr 2008|10:48am] |
i've neglected my lj for far too long now.
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Nina
2. Ninerweiner
3. Beener
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. oolaaaalaaaa
2. i don't remember
3. i don't remember
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Lips
2. Eye color
3. Teeth
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Butt
2. Legs
3. Butt x a million
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Russian
2. Irish
3. Greek
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Global Warming
2. Spiders
3. Getting homesick/not making friends in college
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Deodarant.
2. Hair tie
3. Water bottle
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Sweat pants
2. The t-shirt I got from the Shins concert that got bleach stained the FIRST time I washed it. :(
3. underwear
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Cat Stevens
2. The Mamas and the Papas
3. Ben Kweller
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Father and Son
2. Cecilia
3. Kissing the Lipless
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Love
2. Understanding
3. Frienship
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I love disneyland
2. I'm a good driver
3. I'm obsessed with orca whales
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. Jaw line
2. Cute smile
3. Eyes
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Singing
2. Drawing
3. Organizing
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Relax
2. Stay in my pajamas all day
3. Practice guitar
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Choir teacher
2. Singing
3. Working for a magazine
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Greece
2. Beliz
3. Italy
THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Emma
2. Noah
3. Lucas
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Fall in love
2. Travel Europe
3. Peace Corps
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I swear a lot...
2. I don't know
3. I'm pretty girlie.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I like to dress up pretty
2. I like to buy clothes
3. I'm emotional and sensative hahaha
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
2. Emile Hirsch
3. Ryan Phillippe
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